A Laughton.org contest based on the 2014 World Cup tournament

Final Results

-33	-29	-28	-26	-23	-22	-21	-11	-2	-1		The Zone		+1	+2	+11	+21	+22	+23	+26	+28	+29	+33

Congratulations to Battlestar Baboonica, which narrowly takes first place over Zelbo by tallying a greater number of goals. Both planets are slightly out of The Zone, but with a sweater or a light jacket you'll be just fine. Floradiversity is getting the intense sunlight mentioned in its description; this is good for flowers, but humans should consider slathering themselves with SPF50 before venturing outside. Alas, all other planets are consigned to fiery doom or frigid oblivion. Better luck next time! The winner had this reaction when notified of the contest results: Battlestar Baboonica never had any hope of winning the Jackpot, and its inhabitants, as self-absorbed as they are in their self-righteousness, probably weren't even aware that they were part of a game with their lives at stake. World Cup?? Football?? What's soccer? Thus, Baboonicans are oblivious to their great fortune that they may go on living their destructive lives in relative comfort. Only the clothing industry will note a slight increase in sweater sales. I, however, am thrilled about this great success and thank the you for staging another fun and exciting contest! My sincere condolences to those planets now fire or ice, and to the contestants rooting for teams other than Germany.

World Cup Scores

Brazil 3 Croatia 1 Mexico 1 Cameroon 0 Netherlands 5 Spain 1 Chile 3 Australia 1 Colombia 3 Greece 0 Costa Rica 3 Uruguay 1 Italy 2 England 1 Ivory Coast 2 Japan 1 Switzerland 2 Ecuador 1 France 3 Honduras 0 Argentina 2 Bosnia-Herzegovina 1 Germany 4 Portugal 0 Iran 0 Nigeria 0 USA 2 Ghana 1 Belgium 2 Algeria 1 Brazil 0 Mexico 0

Russia 1 South Korea 1 Netherlands 3 Australia 2 Chile 2 Spain 0 Croatia 4 Cameroon 0 Colombia 2 Ivory Coast 1 Uruguay 2 England 1 Greece 0 Japan 0 Costa Rica 1 Italy 0 France 5 Switzerland 2 Ecuador 2 Honduras 1 Argentina 1 Iran 0 Germany 2 Ghana 2 Nigeria 1 Bosnia-Herzegovina 0 Belgium 1 Russia 0 Algeria 4 South Korea 2 USA 2 Portugal 2

Netherlands 2 Chile 0 Spain 3 Australia 0 Brazil 4 Cameroon 1 Mexico 3 Croatia 1 Uruguay 1 Italy 0 Costa Rica 0 England 0 Colombia 4 Japan 1 Greece 2 Ivory Coast 1 Argentina 3 Nigeria 2 Bosnia-Herzegovina 3 Iran 1 Switzerland 3 Honduras 0 Ecuador 0 France 0 Portugal 2 Ghana 1 Germany 1 USA 0 Belgium 1 South Korea 0 Algeria 1 Russia 1

Brazil 1 [3] Chile 1 [2] Colombia 2 Uruguay 0 Netherlands 2 Mexico 1 Costa Rica 1 [5] Greece 1 [3] France 2 Nigeria 0 Germany 2 Algeria 1 Argentina 1 Switzerland 0 Belgium 2 USA 1 Germany 1 France 0 Brazil 2 Colombia 1 Argentina 1 Belgium 0 Netherlands 0 [4] Costa Rica 0 [3] Germany 7 Brazil 1 Argentina 0 [4] Netherlands 0 [2] Netherlands 3 Brazil 0 Germany 1 Argentina 0

Participating Planets

TALADAGA A Really Racy Place Thin atmosphere polluted by racing engines of foolhardy inhabitants who frequently crash into each other. Always seeking a checkered flag.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Algeria 7 Argentina 8 Australia 3 Belgium 6 Brazil 11 Colombia 12 Croatia 6 England 2 France 10 Germany 18 Ghana 4 Greece 3 Honduras 1 Iran 1 Japan 2 Netherlands 15 Total 109

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Cameroon 9 Chile 4 Costa Rica 2 Ecuador 3 Italy 3 Ivory Coast 5 Mexico 3 Nigeria 5 Portugal 7 Russia 3 South Korea 6 Spain 7 Switzerland 7 Uruguay 6 USA 6 Total 80

Rank: 10 Orbital Status: +29 from The Zone Goals tallied: 189 Zeroes: 0 Submitted May 29, 2014, at 23:00

THE STEPPING STONE Rest Ye Here, Weary Starship Traveller An artificial planet that will be constructed in the future and placed at the mid point between two distant alien "Goldilocks Zone" planets nicknamed Porridge 725291 and Bed 60365 (their native names cannot be expressed in ordinary text). The Stepping Stone will be constructed because there will be a lot of starship travel between the planets, creating high demand for a place for rest, refuelling and refreshments during the journey. It will be open all hours.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Algeria 7 Australia 3 Brazil 11 Chile 6 Colombia 12 Costa Rica 5 France 10 Germany 18 Iran 1 Ivory Coast 4 Mexico 5 Nigeria 3 Portugal 4 South Korea 3 Switzerland 7 Uruguay 4 Total 103

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Argentina 4 Belgium 3 Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Cameroon 9 Croatia 6 Ecuador 3 England 4 Ghana 6 Greece 5 Honduras 8 Italy 3 Japan 6 Netherlands 4 Russia 3 Spain 7 USA 6 Total 81

Rank: 6 Orbital Status: +22 from The Zone Goals tallied: 184 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 01, 2014, at 09:06

URANOMETRIUM Was It Something We Said? A wandering orphan cast out into the void of interstellar space when Zeta Cepheus went supernova, this world traveled through the dark matter of the galaxy for eons until being captured by the gravitational field of Gamma Tauri. The new parent star warmed the frozen world until life again flourished but the inhabitants of the other planets never accepted their new neighbour and used it for target practice.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Argentina 8 Belgium 6 Cameroon 1 Chile 6 Croatia 6 Ecuador 3 England 2 Greece 3 Honduras 1 Iran 1 Japan 2 Portugal 4 Russia 2 Spain 4 Uruguay 4 USA 5 Total 58

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Algeria 7 Australia 9 Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Brazil 14 Colombia 4 Costa Rica 2 France 3 Germany 4 Ghana 6 Italy 3 Ivory Coast 5 Mexico 3 Netherlands 4 Nigeria 5 South Korea 6 Switzerland 7 Total 86

Rank: 9 Orbital Status: -28 from The Zone Goals tallied: 144 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 03, 2014, at 16:25

KHUFU Strike It Rich A small rock with an extremely thin atmosphere. The surface has large impact craters, and humans live in a small habitat built to run a small-scale mining operation.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Algeria 7 Argentina 8 Brazil 11 Chile 6 Colombia 12 Croatia 6 Ecuador 3 France 10 Ghana 4 Iran 1 Ivory Coast 4 Japan 2 Netherlands 15 Nigeria 3 Portugal 4 South Korea 3 Uruguay 4 Total 103

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Australia 9 Belgium 3 Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Cameroon 9 Costa Rica 2 England 4 Germany 4 Greece 5 Honduras 8 Italy 3 Mexico 3 Russia 3 Spain 7 Switzerland 7 USA 6 Total 77

Rank: 8 Orbital Status: +26 from The Zone Goals tallied: 180 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 04, 2014, at 13:08

CSAL Bzzzz Space Dreamer On this planet, all beings are networked entrepreneurs making "honey" at a fantastic rate and selling it to the rest of the galaxy. They all have above-average intelligence and social skills. They migrated long ago from Planet Earth, where they were known as "bees." Fortunately, they remembered to bring flowers with them, so this planet is one of the most beautiful in the entire universe.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Algeria 7 Argentina 8 Belgium 6 Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Brazil 11 Colombia 12 Costa Rica 5 Croatia 6 Ecuador 3 Germany 18 Greece 3 Netherlands 15 Portugal 4 Spain 4 Switzerland 7 Uruguay 4 Total 117

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Australia 9 Cameroon 9 Chile 4 England 4 France 3 Ghana 6 Honduras 8 Iran 4 Italy 3 Ivory Coast 5 Japan 6 Mexico 3 Nigeria 5 Russia 3 South Korea 6 USA 6 Total 84

Rank: 11 Orbital Status: +33 from The Zone Goals tallied: 201 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 06, 2014, at 10:55

FLORADIVERSITY To Each His Own Floradiversity has a position in space which gives it an excellent climate for growing flowers, but the intense light it receives causes leaves to be miniaturized, and only allows the growth of blue or white flowers in the northern hemisphere and red or yellow flowers in the southern hemisphere.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Algeria 7 Belgium 6 Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Colombia 12 Costa Rica 5 Croatia 6 Ecuador 3 Ghana 4 Iran 1 Ivory Coast 4 Mexico 5 Netherlands 15 Portugal 4 Spain 4 Switzerland 7 Uruguay 4 Total 91

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Argentina 4 Australia 9 Brazil 14 Cameroon 9 Chile 4 England 4 France 3 Germany 4 Greece 5 Honduras 8 Italy 3 Japan 6 Nigeria 5 Russia 3 South Korea 6 USA 6 Total 93

Rank: 3 Orbital Status: -2 from The Zone Goals tallied: 184 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 06, 2014, at 11:01

INCENDARIOUS Flameout Incendarious has an extremely dry climate, and its vegetation is limited to forests of biofuel-producing trees. The frequent dry lightning storms start massive forest fires, which rage on the oil-rich nuts until the fuel is consumed, and eventually the surviving debris reseeds the same dangerously flammable forests.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Argentina 8 Belgium 6 Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Brazil 11 Colombia 12 England 2 France 10 Germany 18 Greece 3 Italy 2 Netherlands 15 Portugal 4 Russia 2 Spain 4 Switzerland 7 Uruguay 4 Total 112

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Algeria 7 Australia 9 Cameroon 9 Chile 4 Costa Rica 2 Croatia 6 Ecuador 3 Ghana 6 Honduras 8 Iran 4 Ivory Coast 5 Japan 6 Mexico 3 Nigeria 5 South Korea 6 USA 6 Total 89

Rank: 7 Orbital Status: +23 from The Zone Goals tallied: 201 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 06, 2014, at 11:31

UAINTUS Keep It As Tight As An Alto Sax A runt by nature, Uaintus is a craggy-crusted loner on a galaxy's edge, half Earth's mass but double its density. Slattern, its nearest neighbor, keeps a distance. So what — Uaintus runs hot and cool. Blue O2 clouds smoke over a carbon-filled mass. The vegetation's orange photosynthesis relies on stolen light rays bent into Uaintus's orbit by a powerful brooding magnetism.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Algeria 7 Argentina 8 Australia 3 Chile 6 Croatia 6 Ecuador 3 England 2 France 10 Italy 2 Ivory Coast 4 Mexico 5 Nigeria 3 Portugal 4 Russia 2 South Korea 3 Uruguay 4 Total 72

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Belgium 3 Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Brazil 14 Cameroon 9 Colombia 4 Costa Rica 2 Germany 4 Ghana 6 Greece 5 Honduras 8 Iran 4 Japan 6 Netherlands 4 Spain 7 Switzerland 7 USA 6 Total 93

Rank: 5 Orbital Status: -21 from The Zone Goals tallied: 165 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 10, 2014, at 23:49

BATTLESTAR BABOONICA A Place Where No (Good) Man Wants To Go Apes of mind and spirit are exiled to this planet to live out their careless and malevolent behaviors in chaos and discord. As they battle each other out of self-preservation and other selfish motives, the saying goes: all for one and none for all. Self destruction is inevitable and in the meantime, go right ahead and drive slow in the left lane!

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Argentina 8 Belgium 6 Brazil 11 Chile 6 England 2 France 10 Germany 18 Ghana 4 Honduras 1 Iran 1 Ivory Coast 4 Japan 2 Mexico 5 Russia 2 Spain 4 Uruguay 4 Total 88

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Algeria 7 Australia 9 Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Cameroon 9 Colombia 4 Costa Rica 2 Croatia 6 Ecuador 3 Greece 5 Italy 3 Netherlands 4 Nigeria 5 Portugal 7 South Korea 6 Switzerland 7 USA 6 Total 87

Rank: 1 (by tiebreaker) Orbital Status: +1 from The Zone Goals tallied: 175 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 11, 2014, at 17:17

ZELBO A Singular Sensation Unlike the Ark, nothing is paired off on Zelbo yet all the singletons remarkably remain happy & live long, long healthy lives.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Argentina 8 Australia 3 Belgium 6 Chile 6 Costa Rica 5 Croatia 6 Ghana 4 Honduras 1 Italy 2 Ivory Coast 4 Japan 2 Mexico 5 Netherlands 15 Nigeria 3 Portugal 4 South Korea 3 Switzerland 7 Total 84

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Algeria 7 Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Brazil 14 Cameroon 9 Colombia 4 Ecuador 3 England 4 France 3 Germany 4 Greece 5 Iran 4 Russia 3 Spain 7 Uruguay 6 USA 6 Total 83

Rank: 2 (by tiebreaker) Orbital Status: +1 from The Zone Goals tallied: 167 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 11, 2014, at 18:55

GUCCI-MOVADO PRIME A Resort For The .001% Marvel at the Tiffany lamps that light the roadways from a chauffeured Rolls-Royce, or enjoy a stroll on the sidewalks covered in rich Corinthian leather. Slumber in the comfort of 1012 thread count sheets woven from a special Egyptian cotton once reserved for the pharaohs. Awaken to a breakfast including fruits from extinct plants reconstructed in our particle accelerator, caviar freshly harvested at your table, and bacon from truffle-fed hogs who spent their days blissfully wallowing in a hand-selected blend of Icelandic and Patagonian muds. All this and more awaits the true conoisseur of the best the galaxy has to offer.

goals scored by these countries push the planet farther from the star Bosnia‑Herzegovina 4 Brazil 11 Colombia 12 Ecuador 3 England 2 France 10 Germany 18 Ghana 4 Greece 3 Japan 2 Mexico 5 Netherlands 15 Nigeria 3 Russia 2 South Korea 3 USA 5 Total 102

goals scored against these countries push the planet closer to the star Algeria 7 Argentina 4 Australia 9 Belgium 3 Cameroon 9 Chile 4 Costa Rica 2 Croatia 6 Honduras 8 Iran 4 Italy 3 Ivory Coast 5 Portugal 7 Spain 7 Switzerland 7 Uruguay 6 Total 91

Rank: 4 Orbital Status: +11 from The Zone Goals tallied: 193 Zeroes: 0 Submitted June 11, 2014, at 23:59 This planet is the pipe-dream of the Contest Staff and ineligible to receive a prize.

 

Rules

Scientists searching the universe for habitable planets sometimes refer to the region surrounding a star that's not too close, not too far, but just right for life as we know it to survive as The Goldilocks Zone. No, the Contest Staff is not making this up — we got this story from NASA. We like whimsical scientific references almost as much as we like drawing preposterous graphics on our contest pages, so we've designed this contest as a battle between planets for a position in what we will simply call The Zone.

How to Play You'll pick a name and some other details for your planet, but we'll cover these later. What you need to focus on first is the scoring. While your planet — and everyone else's — will start comfortably in The Zone, its position will change as goals are scored in the 2014 World Cup soccer (called football on some planets) competition. To play, you'll begin by separating all the countries participating in the tournament into two columns: goals scored by teams on the left will push your planets farther into the frozen void of space. Goals scored against teams on the right will plunge your planet toward fiery destruction in the nearby star. After the last match is played, the player whose planet remains closest to The Zone — that is, the one with the smallest difference between the totals in his left and right columns — will be declared the winner.

Frequent participants in Laughton.org contests may find this scoring scheme familiar, and there is indeed a strong resemblance between this contest and 2010's Advanced Simplification. However, let us be diabolically clear about the rules of The Zone: Goals scored by teams in the left column push your planet away from the star it's orbiting. Goals scored against teams in the right column push it toward the star. The object is to end up in the same location where you started, so you want the collect the same number of goals in each column. Paradoxically, this asymmetrical scoring scheme may often generate symmetrical results that should help players keep their column totals close: whenever a country on the left plays against a country on the right, the outcome of the match will add the same amount to each column regardless of the number of goals scored. Perhaps this effect will help players avoid some of the extreme imbalances witnessed in our 2010 contest. However, no matter how well they're arranged, eventually countries will play against other countries in the same column, pushing planets either toward fiery destruction in the center of a star or to a slow death by freezing in the void. Victory will go to the player who carefully analyzes the World Cup schedule, judiciously chooses columns for the tournament favorites, the long shots, and all the in-betweens, and is really, really good at predicting the outcome of soccer matches.

Countries and Groups As always in World Cup tournaments, teams from participating countries are divided into groups of 4. Each team in a group plays one match against every other team in the same group. Matches within groups may end in ties. At the end of group play, the two teams with the best record from each group move on to elimination play. Matches in these later rounds do not end in ties; if the score is tied at the end of regulation play, teams play a period of overtime, and if the score remains tied at the end of overtime, the match is decided by a shootout. Only goals scored during regulation or overtime play will count for purposes of this contest. Shootout "goals" will be ignored.

These are the groups for World Cup 2014. Each will play one match against every other team in its group. Later matchups will be determined by the winners and runners-up in each group. Consult the World Cup schedule for further details.

A Brazil Croatia Mexico Cameroon B Spain Netherlands Chile Australia C Colombia Greece Ivory Coast Japan D Uruguay Costa Rica England Italy E Switzerland Ecuador France Honduras F Argentina Bosnia-Herzegovina Iran Nigeria G Germany Portugal Ghana USA H Belgium Algeria Russia South Korea

Submitting Your Entry Use the Official Entry Form to submit your entry. The form lists all participating countries and allows you to assign them to the left or right column with a click of the mouse. The form also lets you describe your planet, and as promised above, here are the details on this process: Pick a name for your planet. We recommend limiting it to no more than 32 characters. Devise a nickname or slogan for your planet. There are millions of planets vying for NASA's attention. If you want them to send a probe to yours, you have to get their attention with a catchy phrase. NASA managers love catchy phrases (like The Goldilocks Zone). Describe your planet. Tell the world (Earth) about its inhabitants, culture, flora, fauna, geology, economy, climate, or any other attributes that you think we (Earthlings) will find interesting. Be creative! Be silly! Be warned: while there are no restrictions on the length or content of this text, the Contest Staff may truncate or otherwise edit voluminous or incoherent submissions. Here are a few examples to inspire you:

PNUTO The Once and Future Planet On the world formerly known as Pluto, the inhabitants have given everything a fresh coat of paint, installed all-copper plumbing, and covered the cold floors with wall-to-wall carpeting. However, until someone sends an expedition to inspect all the upgrades, readmission to the Planet Club remains unlikely. DEATH STAR III That's no planet, that's a space station! Death Star III is an artificial world created for a future Star Wars installment before Disney took over the franchise. No longer needed for movie production, it remains in orbit ready to vaporize Jar-Jar Binks should he ever be sighted again. FUNK THROB We Be Loud After many complaints about loud music at all hours from neighboring planets, the inhabitants completely enclosed this planet famous for non-stop partying. It's quickly become the most exclusive destination in the galaxy: you can't get in, because nobody inside can hear you knocking on the door. STUPITER The Dim Planet This planet orbits a bloated gas giant in the constellation Constipania. Rarely seen due to its lack of brilliance, this planet has been observed several times falling into a black hole. Unable or unwilling to obey the laws of physics, it has fallen back out every time.

As you can see from the examples, the Contest Staff (Graphics Department) has been experimenting with an animation program. They'll draw images of all planets submitted and use them to produce a scoreboard which will appear on this webpage once the competition starts. We recommend that you refrain from mentioning the appearance of your planet in its descriptive text. Leave that to us. Since we'll provide an image, writing about its appearance would only be redundant, and Laughton.org already has too many volunteers working for free in its Department of Redundancy Department. Concentrate on your planet's other attributes, and we'll draw an appropriate image (maybe even with rings).

Tiebreakers In the event of a tie, the following rules will be applied in the order shown: The player with the highest total of goals (both columns) wins. The player with fewest countries adding 0 goals (both columns) wins. The player whose entry arrived first at Laughton.org wins.

Entry Deadline Use the Official Entry Form to submit your entry no later than midnight (US Eastern Time) on June 11, 2014. No late entries will be accepted.

While we have allowed — even encouraged — multiple entries from individual players in the past, we politely but firmly request that each player submit only one entry for this contest. Previous contests were advertised only to friends and family, but this one will be advertised to a much wider audience, and multiple entries from many players will be unmanageable.

The Prize The winning player will receive Jackpot, the classic game of chance from ThinkFun, makers of such diversions as Distraction, Mini Mouth, Robot Turtles, and Robot Turtles Adventure Pack. According to the company:     At the end of the Great Depression, people needed creative ways to add to their income. Enter Jackpot, the slot machine that fits in the palm of your hand. Jackpot fed the increasing interest in gambling, and coins were often substituted for chips as players tried their hand at this classic game of chance.     The Contest Staff does not encourage using this prize to enhance your income. The Contest Staff can hardly even imagine using this prize to enhance your income.

Be Nice Illegible, irrational, or improperly formatted entries will be discarded. Entries containing libelous, scurrilous, or scandalous text will be discarded. As a guide for those who aren't clear on what qualifies as libelous, scurrilous, or scandalous, we recommend that you be at least as polite as Stephen Hawking was when he recently assessed England's chances of making successful penalty shots.

One Last Thing While the Contest Staff encourages players to create amusing worlds, NASA offers an educational website where children (and adults who think they can keep up) can study the attributes of habitable planets and design their own virtual world. Give it a try!